Thursday, October 9, 2014

Bustle to make you bristle with its crazed messages!

Look at this car. What we have here is the culmination of a long journey. Both the Cadillac and its owner have gone through several transformations since birth to get to the point they're at today. Sometimes a butterfly turns into a caterpillar. Other times people become raving lunatics and stately limousines become post-apocalyptic billboards for trumpeting bizarre declarations. All I know for sure is that it was parked in Greenpoint.
Many people consider the Cadillac Seville from 1980-1985 to be the biggest misstep in the history of the company. The slanted rump (called the Bustle Back) was meant to emulate the elegant British Daimler but ended up looking like a Caddy that had a safe dropped on the back of it. This was the first front-wheel-drive Caddy and it came with a disastrous experiment of an engine called the V8-6-4. This engine was supposed to operate as a 4 cylinder unless extra power was needed, at which point it would engage the other 2 or 4 cylinders. In reality the technology wasn't up to snuff for this to work properly and the engine lurched and gagged like Jeff Goldblum as Brundlefly. To make matters worse the other engine choice was a poorly designed diesel good for only 105 horsepower. Somehow the Dillinger-Gaines Coach Works company decided it was the proper platform for their stretch limo conversion. Few were built and I'm fairly certain almost none survive.
But all of that becomes moot once you glance at the plaque riveted to the side!
ANTI IMBEDDED -MOSSAD PARTY?!?! Dude, what are you saying? What does it mean? 
Serious off-the-top ramblings going on! I would expect some shuddering freak on the subway platform or wandering the streets to come up with that, but to have it printed on a light-up sign in some "Puttin' on the Ritz" art deco font in pink with ™ at the end? This is trademarked?
Cool, thanks MORTAL; loud and clear. The registration is valid through next spring!
The inside is a scale model of the ravaged brain of whoever owns this ride. It has been torn apart and stripped to the bare shell in most spots.
A roll of paper towels and an Omaha Steaks cooler never seemed as sinister as they do here. The thought of climbing into this car (or being grabbed and thrown into it seems more likely) sends ice water down my spine. That cooler is obviously full of human hands or something like it.
Let's take a deep breath and admire that bustle back trunk! 
This sign says "REJECTING THE SOLDIERS RIGHT TO BE CLONED IS TREASON". Is this a pro-Raelian car? The Raelians are my favorite fringe group out there! Their whole ethos is "Intelligent Design for Atheists" and has something to do with Aliens from Outer Space being responsible for mankind. They also claimed in a news conference to have cloned the first human. 
Look how comfortable MORTAL must be while spreading the message through the streets of Brooklyn! Puffy tufted leather seating so plush that your pens slide right out of your pocket and just rest there. The door panel must have said something wrong though much like the center of the dashboard, but that doesn't slow MORTAL down one bit. They even kept just enough brown shag to surround the one seat in a little island of luxury. The power window controls all seem to be hooked up, though the control panel is hanging on to the door by a plastic tie.

I love this detail! What we have here is a theft-proof lug nut that requires a special wrench to ensure that nobody makes off with your wheel. However this prophet liked their plastic hubcap so much that they broke a hole through it so they could keep their security feature intact. Good thinking!
Ugh, the sunken eyes of the Cadillac collapsing under its own embarrassment is truly tough to see. It wasn't supposed to be like this! "I'm a limousine!" its crying out, "I should be ferrying the wealthy around country clubs and to the finest shops!"
Hood ornaments can be so blasphemous sometimes that simply removing them isn't enough. Sometimes you just have to punch an additional 5 or 6 holes into the hood for even supporting it.
Well there we have it people, the kookiest vehicle I've ever seen. This beast is no stranger to the internet; people have been snapping pics of it on the streets of Brooklyn for at least 4 years. Everyone is as confounded as I am as to the meaning of the messages on MORTAL. If anyone has an idea as to what this person is getting at please illuminate me!

1 comment:

  1. I have a theory, that whoever owns this car works at the Evergreen Funeral Home on Nassau and Mcguinness. Every time I see it, it's parked within walking distance to Evergreen. AND, his license plate says "Mortal." Surely he's a mortician or undertaker right?