Sunday, June 4, 2017

400th post Super Hooptie!

This is my 400th installment of the Hoopties blog and to commemorate I've selected a real beauty. With any luck I'll be cobbling together posts for another few years but for now get the Vision ready:
At some point back in history this was a 1967 Pontiac Catalina in (I think) Montreaux Blue Poly. Throughout the decades it has morphed into something more horrific; a patchwork quilt of childrens nightmares. If you squint just right the paint job looks like a deep blue sky with white puffy clouds and the red streaks of the End Times taking hold. Ladies and gentlemen; this car is the last page of Revelation.
Historical indeed! This thing has eyes dangling in broken sockets and scars all over its face. The admittedly huge bumper has earned its keep with evidence of a mighty uppercut and a massive body blow folding in into the fender.
It wears a Dodge hubcap like a serial killer keeping trophies of its victims. There is no side mirror on the door because who cares? When you pilot this wreck you're living in a post-turn signal and mirror society. If the brake lights work at all it's by sheer accident.
There's patina and then there's THIS.
Pontiac got its name from the war chief Pontiac of the Odawa tribe. He fought against the British occupation of the Great Lakes region and was effective enough that the war is known as Pontiac's War (1763-1766). It began when Chief Pontiac lead 300 warriors to take Fort Detroit by surprise. I don't mean to blaspheme too hard but this car: A. Looks like it was in a war, and B. looks like Detroit was caught by surprise mid-build.
This picture hurts me deeply and I took it. That futuristic green wheel looks as if this slab either traveled to space or back to ancient Egypt and brought back a bronze medallion. Ancient Aliens made this car.
*Big shout out to the person holding the black Krylon can when inspiration struck! Continuing the window line down to the wheel well is sweet. By "wheel well" I mean the rough opening where some bear chewed through the body.
Somebody warn that VW in front of it, or maybe it's too late!
These frowning bulldog jowl taillights are a true favorite of mine, lest I forget to add that I love this car. I distinctly remember trailing behind a blue '68 Bonneville convertible on a Rhode Island highway doing 80mph that had these exact taillights. I fell into a multi-year crush on that year make & model that day.
This massive fastback design would only last a few years in full size GM cars. In 1967 there wasn't a single thought to excess so the fact that this is a 2 door coupe on a gargantuan scale was normal.
It's so hard to look directly at the colors of this thing. I feel like I need to adjust the settings.
I've said it before but this thing is YUGE. From the door forward it looks like any big '60s car. Somehow the sloping rear that goes on forever accentuates the grandeur for me.
Fuzzy dice? Really? Is this set up for cruise night or something?
The ashtray being pulled out I get. Hopefully the driver of this goes through a carton of Winstons just getting to the remaining OTB outposts in New Jersey.
This example is outfitted with a bench seat covered in human skin and a column shift transmission. There was a version of this body style called the 2+2 that had front and rear bucket seats as well as a console. Those are rare and plenty sought after.
*I feel the need to point out that this car does not have 2 factory radios even though it looks it. The climate controls were done in a way that makes them seem identical.
Once the silver bullet has pierced the werewolf heart or a wooden stake has claimed the vampire you get a fleeting glimpse of the original person before they expire. I'm reminded of that from this angle where you can just make out the original Catalina trapped inside. 
I feel like I do this every time I post a Pontiac from the bird beak front era, but here goes:
Head of Pontiac design 1966-1982.
Since this post was short on detail and long on hyperbole let me close out by stating that this car came with either a 400 or 428 V8. The base 400 with 2 barrel was rated at 290 Horsepower, but there were various options that would push the hp as high as 376. Even with 6 adults trapped inside this thing could get up and go with the best of them.
As for me I've somehow never owned a Pontiac even though they are my favorite domestic make (or were but let's not bother with the final decade or so before GM pulled the plug). I even like Pontiacs that I should feel foolish about liking such as the early-to-mid '80s 6000, Sunbird, Astre, and Grand Am. Someday when I have a parking spot in my life I'll unlock that achievement but for now I'll be happy finding things like this wreck in the wild.

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