Kevin McHale's sweet limo? Obviously

KEVIN McHALE'S SWEET LIMO? OBVIOUSLY

Contributor Max recently sent the following pics from the corner of Avenue C and 14th Street in Manhattan. The backdrop of the first pic is the Con Edison facility that found itself completely submerged during Hurricane Sandy, causing everything below 34th Street to be without power for almost a week. This hooptie represents the last remaining damage:

Gawd look at this beat down Frankenstein ride. The grill is red with the blood of its enemies! The bumper has been painted black and fitted with some fog lamps. As far as the flat black sections between the grill and lights and the hood, and along the top of the fenders I can only imagine this has been in some front end collisions and repaired as needed on the cheap. the CELT 32 plate means this is definitely owned by "one of the NBA's 50 greatest players" Kevin McHale of the Boston Celtics. Nobody said life after basketball would be easy, player!

I'm late with the information but this is a 1993/1994 Lincoln Town Car. Anyone who's been anywhere near NYC knows that these were ubiquitous as the T&LC black car limos. While they started out more luxurious than the yellow cabs they were driven just as much, routinely clocking 500,000 miles or more before either being cannibalized for parts or sold at auction. The upside for buying a vehicle like this is that you can get parts anywhere in the city and even major repairs like a transmission change can be done on the spot by dozens of 24/7 taxi repair shops.
Shout-out to the half landau roof and big sunroof! 

The back has been curiously bedazzled with a wolf head above the Flag of Ireland flanked by red stripes on the window. Red tape striping has shown up above the taillights as well as the lower trunk lip. This bumper was also spray painted black (as was the entire lower half of the car it looks like!) except for the bottom which is bright red. Quad exhaust tips and triple antennas round out the mayhem.
Well that's that: a New York City icon repping a Boston icon by way of Ireland by way of New Jersey. If there were ever a hooptie you could park anywhere in the 5 boroughs without worry this is it. Like anything used ruthlessly and discarded they may indeed become rare as time goes by. When was the last time you saw a Checker?

MEN IN BLACK edition Crown Vic

MEN IN BLACK EDITION CROWN VIC

On the tony hills of Park Slope I found this throwback. Once ubiquitous as a fleet vehicle for taxis and cops it is becoming more scarce with every year. I hereby present to you: the 1980s!

This is a 1983 Ford LTD Crown Victoria in Dark Blue Poly. This represented Ford downsizing just in time for the '80s and they did so with huge success. This car is built on the Panther platform which provided such hits as the Lincoln Town Car and the Mercury Grand Marquis. The Panther platform was versatile enough that it lasted from 1978-2011.

This is almost identical to the 1987 version that graced the screen in Men in Black.

Under the skin is 100% old technology; V8 engine up front driving the rear wheels. The 1991 version of this ride with the larger 5.8 liter V8 was the very last American car built with a carbureted engine.

The name Crown Victoria harkens back to the 1955 Ford Fairlane Crown Victoria Skyliner. That original car had a chrome band going over the roof from between the front and rear windows just like this one, but the Skyliner had a glass panel replacing the roof from the band forward to the windshield. As lovely a concept as it was the reality was that you couldn't keep the car cool in summer! It lasted only 2 years but the legacy can be seen in that chrome band.

*If you really want to go back the name Victoria was originally given to a type of horse driven passenger carriage with a half roof from 1870.

These pretty cool turbine-style wheels were available on various Ford and Lincoln products over the years and might just be original to the car. The missing centerpiece would hold the clue as it always contained the logo of the division. 

This little crown lets everyone know you're royalty. 

Oh look at that plush padding on the landau vinyl half-roof! Nothing says "I'm around or past retirement age" like this cushy detail. By the way this is Dark Royal Blue vinyl in faux elk grain.

This is such a straightforward cop-car ride.

You can see the third brake light through the back window in this pic. It wasn't a federal requirement until 1989 so this is an early addition. 

In the 1980s domestic auto design tended to be totally squared off crisp lines. One advantage is that those huge bumpers look like they belong on the car rather than being a late addition.

This car is just a collection of rectangles right down to the taillights.

The chrome trim surrounding the wheel wells and running along the rocker panels denotes a passenger model rather than fleet. 1983 is a strange moment in the history of this name as the LTD was also a smaller car based on the Fox platform (like the '80s Mustangs and Fairmonts). However it was still employed in the stand-alone model shown here. Unlimited limiteds? 

We can see this beast is loaded with options from the split front seat to the cruise control buttons on the steering wheel and power windows. However I can't for the life of me figure out what is coming out of the dash just past the 2 o'clock position on the wheel. Whatever it is is installed where the passenger side center vent opening ought to be. I looked into optional CB placement but those were mounted to the left of the radio.

In addition to serving the police departments of the U.S. these were ultra popular as taxis. Checker stopped production right around when this ride was built and even though they drove side by side for years the yellow fleets eventually became Crown Vics or Chevy Caprices.

Well there we have it; an unlikely survivor on the city streets 33 years after it left Detroit. It's always a bit strange to see the luxury edition of what was mostly a fleet vehicle, and this one hails from a blind spot on the classic car timeline. Some 1983 cars are getting a second look (first generation Iroc Camaros and Knight Rider edition Firebirds) but for the most part people couldn't care less. Due to such ambivalence cars like this are almost always destined for the crusher. Give it another 10 years through and while I doubt it will be very valuable this thing will probably turn heads.

What's the opposite of a Christmas miracle?

R BODY BURGUNDY BRICK

Take a good look at this slab of iron weighing down all of America. This is the purple torpedo that sank the Chrysler ship. The fact that they built what is basically a car from the 1950s for the cusp of the '70s and '80s decades makes it fitting that this car has its eyes closed. This is 3,800 lbs of sadness.

This is a 1981 Chrysler New Yorker in what might be Ginger red. This was the wrong car at the wrong time and despite all my seemingly over the top superlatives it really did bring mighty Chrysler to its knees. The custom plate is awesome though!

It was the 1970s and the gas crisis was still fresh in everyones mind. Quirky little Japanese cars were selling better than ever with their owners boasting of 35 miles per gallon from engines that ran so clean they didn't need catalytic converters. Ford downsized across the board, and so did GM. Chrysler did a little bit but still trotted out an old-school huge American dinosaur that they bragged was "traditional sized". The public shrugged and looked the other way.

Under that long hood resides a 318 V8 good for 130 horsepower. If you had the time you could supposedly coax this barge up to 100mph. Driving like that would probably hurt your 17mpg factory rating however. A review from the era found that with the air conditioning on they only got 12.8mpg. It went on to say that the air conditioning of their new test car stopped working during the review, as did the brake lights. In addition the digital clock went out and a map light turned on every time the brake pedal was pressed! Build quality was horrific with Chrysler actually planning on something like 1,700 defects per 100 cars sold. Chrysler, what!?

The tact here was lazy luxury steeped in patriotism. The 1981 was the third and final year of this generation New Yorker and only 6,548 were built. The following year there was a redesign which sold over 50,000 units. 

To see this utterly forgotten automotive footnote is mint condition 2 days before Christmas in Brooklyn is amazing. There can't be many left as there were few to begin with. The New Yorker had 2 siblings this year; the Newport and St. Regis. The lowest end of the spectrum was the Newport with its exposed headlights. The St. Regis had one of the weirdest details ever put on a car: translucent headlight covers that opened when you turned them on. This meant that when the lights were off they were behind milky glass but still visible. Why, Chrysler? What were you maniacs thinking?

Alright here is the next evolution of the malaise-era opera window: a vinyl roof so powerful that it ignores the fact that the door is there and creeps over it like moss. Chrysler claimed that these cars were "pillared hardtops" which makes as much sense as dry water. This car has extra pillars as opposed to none so how is this a hardtop? Obviously there were no adults at Chrysler in the late '70s or some of these basic questions might've been asked. Then again we've all known someone who keeps on a deliberate path of doom somehow unable to see it. From now on we'll call those people the R Bodies.

From this angle it looks like any old car on the city streets. With its '70s dimensions it's almost stately.

Get a little closer and the strangeness continues. I love full width taillights. Some Mopars of the early '70s had them, as well as Buicks from the '60s. This is more of a collection of red rectangles kind of stacked on each other. I guess the center portion comes out to accommodate the square trunk bulge that's not quite a Continental kit. Why, Chrysler? 

Some huge cars pull it off. I LOVE the enormous cars of the '60s and '70s but somehow this looks like the trunk will break off under its own largess. Remember that this is a downsized version of the pre-'79 New Yorkers.

That baleen grill makes this thing look like a blind whale looking to feed. The fancy stand-up hood ornament once had a crystal insert but this one seems to be missing.

Look I know I bagged on this car relentlessly but I was legit astonished to see one in the wild. Chrysler took on so much water from these R Body rides the Lee Iacocca was brought in after being fired by Ford to save the company. He immediately brokered a guaranteed loan deal with Congress and green lighted both the K-car and minivan. His plan was an unparalleled success, righting the Chrysler ship and creating an entire automotive category in the process. Amidst all this heroism these forlorn beasts marched off the line to uncertain futures. Good luck enforcing from the velour throne of your R-Body ride, Sir!

The transitional car from the bloated '70s to the squared-off '80s

  SOMEWHERE BETWEEN QUAALUDES AND COCAINE   

I was biking along the industrial waterfront of red Hook in Brooklyn when this gently colored ride presented itself:

This is a 1978 Pontiac Grand Prix in Dresden Blue with a creamy white landau roof. This is a car with one foot planted firmly in the tired past and one in the uncertain future. Amazingly the result is better than it sounds!

This color scheme is so Leisure Suit '70s but the dimensions are leaning towards the '80s. The Grand Prix from its inception in 1962 through this vintage was always a 2 door coupe in the Personal Luxury style. 1978 introduced the 5th generation for the Grand Prix with more squared-off, angular body lines than its predecessor.

The '78 GP was a foot shorter and 600 lbs lighter than the '77 so even in this era of strangled low horsepower engines the performance was decent. This was the first year in the models history that a 6 cylinder was standard equipment. Technically a 3 speed manual transmission was standard as well but finding a 6 cylinder 3 speed GP would be a rarity.

The surefire way to identify a 1978 model is the grill; the 5 vertical bars on each side were 1 year only. 1979 brought a crosshatched grill. 1980 went back to a similar grill design but there were 9 vertical grill bars on either side.
That gentle V shape going from the corner of the grill back to the lower corner of the windshield is a shadow of what once was. In the earlier '70s Grand Prix the center portion would be raised in a full length hood bulge. The spaces directly behind the headlights were sunken down between that center V and the raised edges of the fenders.

If you look at the relatively enormous 1977 GP you see headlights in a rectangular box with the turn signal in the center just like this. The main differences in the overall width can be found the the extra space between the headlight pods and grill in '77 as well as a wide body colored section in the center of the split grill.

Besides that swooping line from the front fender point, under the side windows, and down the top of the quarter panel this is very much a squared-off design. You could carve this car out of a block of cream cheese.

Just look at the point where the fender, hood, and front connect; it is a perfect corner. This is a premonition of the next decade of styling.
Incidentally this bumper looks so much more integrated into the overall look than the mid-'70s version. Having a car that weighs so much less means not as much bumper is needed for the 5mph crash requirements.

The padded rear landau roof would stick around for another several years though not so puffy as this. The GP was available with T-Tops, the rear of which lines up right where this vinyl roof begins.

This car was ordered for a family as opposed to someone trying to look as cool as possible. The bench seat and column shift could just as easily been bucket seats and a console with floor mounted shifter.
There are a full compliment of gauges in the dash as well as what looks to be a/c and power windows.  That steering wheel is a holdover from the larger mid-'70s models. The year after this brought a real bro-edition tough guy wheel that I think looks kinda goofy.

That trunk lid is ridiculously square!

The previous generation had a large V shape on the trunk lid mirroring the hood. It was raised up in the middle like the hood as well, with the taillights set into indentations. Likewise the bumper used to jut out in the middle to accommodate the trunk shape.

Pontiac had a history of taillights being split into individual bars going back to the mid-'60s, most notably in the Firebirds and older Grand Prix. This is the final moment for this multifaceted taillight before they move onto a huge square slab of red plastic with a gaudy GP medallion in the center.

Being a body-on-frame rear wheel drive American car from the '70s the gas cap is located behind the license plate.

That gap between the rear quarter panel and the bumper was originally filled with a body colored plastic filler piece. These are notorious for hardening over time and cracking to smithereens on all GM models of this era (you'll often see Cadillacs with the metal ends to the quarter panels standing alone like tombstones with the plastic supports long gone).

These are original Pontiac faux-wire wheels that snap on just like any old hubcap. The red center had the Pontiac arrowhead logo reminding folks that this automaker is named after War Chief Pontiac of the Odawa tribe in the Great Lakes region.  

Boo hiss! From this angle you can see that those gauges are blanks! Looks like nobody opted for the optional full gauges so we have plain dials in their place. This is even more demeaning than having a blank stretch of dashboard. Every time the driver looks into those empty sockets it's like the missing gauges are saying "why didn't you order us?"

Well we'll leave this swooping square powder blue brick against a brick wall in Industrial Red Hook. This is the closest sibling to my very first car - a 2 door 1983 Oldsmobile Cutlass Brougham in burgundy with a burgundy landau vinyl roof. I bought that car for $225 and it had a brand new $250 Alpine tape deck in it. I grabbed a couple of mismatched license plates off of 2 different friends wrecked cars, a registration sticker out of a wrecked Subaru, and drew my own inspection sticker with some markers before enjoying months of carefree driving. Life was great until I attempted a u-turn on a muddy field, sinking in up to the rocker panels in the process. I later got cornered by sheriffs while getting it towed out by a friend. That's a much longer story but suffice it to say this unglamorous body style has a lot of nostalgia for me.
Looking good at age 38 GP! Keep up the good work.

Burnt Umber Slab

LIMITED; NOW WITH EVEN MORE!

I was ambling along the central PA countryside when I noticed this massive slab and its 4-eyed grin looking back at me. Somehow parked in the lot of the newest looking building in the area this thing begged to be featured.

This is a 1978 Ford LTD II Brougham in Bright Red with a Light Camel landau roof. This thing effortlessly runs the Malaise ticket checking off every late '70s cliche box off the list. Massive yet underpowered 2 door car? Check. Landau roof with opera windows? Check. Brougham? CHECK.

This is the era of "to hell with your aerodynamics" slab design. Look out over that hood to the windshield so far away.

The LTD II was a 3 year only offering from Ford that was somewhat overshadowed by the Thunderbird which was similar in scale but with a storied nameplate. The name is a bit goofy when broken down because it basically means "limited, the sequel" which isn't very limited at all!

This angle gives a better idea of what it took to get a 5mph crash test bumper on a 4,000lb+ car. You could easily rest a 6 pack in front of each set of headlights while tuning the strangled and neutered V8 under the hood. If you had the base 302 engine you could eventually coax this thing up to 103mph the day it left the factory. If you ponied up for the 351 the top speed went up to a frightening 108mph! Fear not speed demons; there was the mighty 400 V8 available too with a top speed of 113mph.

Performance wasn't the point with these rigs though. If you loved your living room couch or Lay-Z Boy this could float you in comfort to the bowling alley. Hard cornering would send this listing like the Costa Concordia, and emergency breaking meant a loud and screaming nose dive with skid marks hundreds of feet long. Buy it for the optional CB radio folks, lean back and relax!

The absurdity of these proportions does intrigue me though, as it does for all its siblings. The Mercury Cougar and Ford Ranchero were identical (though of course the Ranchero had the El Camino style pickup bed). The LTD II was a direct replacement for the Ford Elite which was really this same car with a single round headlight on each side and a bit of a raised rear hip a-la Coke Bottle styling.

Who am I fooling? I'd love to drive around in this yacht. The window shapes alone are worth a few grand and the landau roof looks right at home. The wheel covers are a horrific abomination that need to go asap. Even the plain black steelies under that faux-chrome plastic would be better.

This window treatment stopped me in my tracks. Brougham in script is factory correct, but that rose? Is that an aftermarket add-on or is this some special rose edition Brougham?

I love how this car makes a mockery of the recent parking space dimensions! There is a 2 foot section in the rear where nothing will grow due to the shadow permanently cast by the rear hanging out, and the car just continues onward from the front of the painted stripe so far that it looks cartoonish. Still, if this is your thing these cars remain plentiful and cheap. The very last thing this car can be called is innovative so almost all parts are usable from at least a decade of Ford.If you're not in a hurry to get anywhere, like overly plush luxury, and live somewhere where parking is available I encourage you to grab the nearest $2,000 and take your pick!