George Orwell was right

YAWN ON WHEELS

I was walking along last Summer when a Victorian fainting spell came over me. Was I a narcoleptic? Had I somehow forgotten to breath? No, it turn out I was passing by this Buick and it sucked the energy right out of me. Please read this post sitting down.

This is a 1984 Buick Century Limited in one of FOUR color choices named Silver Poly. I believe this is the perfect summery of the domestic automobile landscape in 1984. Vehicles were so damn boring that they needed 4 different colors that are hard to distinguish all named the same thing.

Maybe the 4 Silver Polys referred to how many repaints it will require before the decade is out? Shout-out to whoever grabbed that hood ornament.

In the 1980s the Big Three auto makers had to switch their paint to a low VOC (volatile organic compound) recipe. They complied without fully realizing that this required a longer curing time. The result is that almost every car from the mid '80s has serious paint issues.

Let's get back to the hooptie at hand. We know this is an '84 due to those 7 vertical bars spanning the grill. Interestingly the registration sticker in the windshield says it's an '85. Maybe it was a holdover languishing in the factory lot until the model year changed?

My sympathies always lie with the copywriters who have to describe these utterly boring rides in their sales material. For 1985 Buick separated their brochure into 3 segments: The Art of Buick, The Science of Buick, and The Buying of Buick. In The Art of Buick they mention how European this car is no less than 4 times in the first 2 paragraphs. Poor Europe!

One thing I will give it up for are those sweet factory hubcaps!

To be fair these were actually well engineered cars compared to those just a few years previous. They were all fuel injected and front wheel drive with well tuned suspensions. No longer would the mighty Buick be a listing yacht in the corners. Yawn.

If anything this sticker might be the only thing to entice a thief because they might be wondering why they would bother? By the way Custom King Electronics is no more; replaced by a real estate office. Such is Brooklyn in 2017.

The name Century was first given to a 1936 Buick that could go 100mph. The British auto community in the '30s called 100mph "doing the century" and someone at Buick was amused. The official top speed of this ride was 98mph. FAKE AND SAD. Maybe the Limited refers to its limitations?

If you really squint you can imagine some continuity between the Buicks of the '60s and this car. The taillights are almost full width and it's a mostly squared off design.

Again with that sweet paint.

The mighty Grand National was available from Buick in '85, and happened to be the fastest American production car due to its turbocharged V6 engine (even beating out the Corvette!). If you were so inclined you could order a Century T-Type which sported blackout trim and a slightly better engine but it still didn't amount to high performance.

Oh yeah dig that Malaise era velour! This is the quintessential '80s GM interior with slabs of faux wood, plush cloth seats, and flat dashboards filled with buttons.

Well that's that. 

When my beloved Grandmother passed away she stipulated in her will that I could have either her Buick identical to this in every way or $3,000. I took the money without blinking. Part of it was my memory of riding in that car with several smoking adults and the windows barely cracked, but the other part was that this encapsulated all that was boring in modern automobiles for me. It is the perfect grandparent car for the mid '80s but other than that I was surprised to see it even exists in 2017.

Pregnant Chad by Buick

TERRIBLE, AWFUL, NO GOOD, VERY BAD CAR

Have all the campaign politics and mud slinging been getting you down? Me too. Lucky for us the General Motors Corporation distilled all the anguish of a presidential run into one forlorn vehicle. Behold!

This is a 2000 Buick Century Presidential Edition in what might've been Arctic White. This is the newest car I've ever featured and it is terrible. I mean really, this is a horrible car.

Ugh. It is THE definition of a Hooptie, but that doesn't give it any charm. It's missing the factory plastic gray wheel covers which is the only thing helping it at all.

Standard zero-quality late '90s/early 2000s GM paint job that makes it look like it just reentered the atmosphere. Random stains, rust spots, cracks, and dings all complete the sadness.

Oh but WAIT A MINUTE! Is that the presidential seal? Thanks Obama!

Not only is this "Faux Carriage Roof" my least favorite choice of roof treatment, but it is currently growing mold. Those snaps are there for what exactly? It is all but assured that the roof itself underneath all this janky cloth is rusted completely.

Oh for the love of god THERE'S A BABY SEAT IN IT! This is abuse plain and simple.

Let's take a moment to ponder the root of the name Century. The original Buick Century was named as such back in 1936 because it was capable of hitting 100mph. At the time it was Buick's mid-level car in terms of appointment and luxury. The name was used on and off over the decades to denote the smaller body with a bigger engine (until the Skylark based GSX and Stage-1 muscle cars took over).

By the time this egg was laid the Century was Buick's entry level car. Available only as a 4 door with a V6 and front wheel drive, this was clearly marketed towards older folks. Looks like the rear bumper might've helped with the parallel parking since it's been shattered.

This was parked in front of a stylish looking garage in Brooklyn. What is the story here?

*You can see the wheel covers on this side. You tell me if they seem presidential to you.

Oh so very plush and absorbent inside. The steering wheel looks like it was driven by somebody with sandpaper hands, but with flowers on the dash and Gucci on the floor who says they're not livin' right?

The Century went on in this guise through 2005 when it went quietly into the night. I imagine this to be the official car to drive into the afterlife so maybe their customer base died off and they halted production. I found a couple for sale and each one of them was listed as 1 elderly owner.

There's nothing more I can say about this car except perhaps to apologize for posting it. However in light of the current political climate I figured it was the perfect choice. Vote early, vote often, and take one last look right into this presidential face on the way out.

Underpowered, unloved, unregistered, and under the BQE.

ESPECIALLY CRAPPY

I was checking out the always-fertile Hooptie garden under the BQE when I encountered a sad beast wearing a formerly proud name:

Ugh. What we have here is a 1977 Buick Century Special. The Century name was first bestowed upon a 1936 Buick to announce the fact that the car could sustain a speed of 100mph. This particular beast was born under a bad sign (that sign being 1977 in Detroit auto production), so even though it wears the Century name the top speed listed from the factory was 98mph. So close Buick, but that's what makes you Special!

Here's a clue to its failings in the speed department; a V6 badge announcing the 231 V6 2-barrel carb lurking beneath. This was the standard engine for this model and year and was overwhelmingly the choice for those who drove one home in '77. There were V8s available as options but they are rare. Amazingly the original 1936 Century had an engine only 2 cubic inches larger than this one, but it was a straight-8 as opposed to V6 and had not a lick of emissions equipment on it.
*Before we go on to the next picture, the only way I know of to identify this as a '77 is shown here in the mesh within the grill; the '77 has a single horizontal line within each opening while the '76 has 2. 

This is classic auto design for this era; small opera windows set into a padded vinyl landau roof. The GM term for this era was Collonade Styling which had something to do with the roofline and window treatment. Cutlasses, Grand Ams, and Impalas had the same look.

Someone kept going for it when their bumper was caught on something and this is the result.

My favorite color combo is blue car with white interior (common from the late '50s through the early '80s). This one has seen better days though for sure! The color that's still barely clinging to this ride is Light Blue Poly.

Sometimes you just gotta buy a wreck at auction or a junkyard, throw a Florida plate on the back, and park it under the BQE for a few months. Yellow chalk marks similar to those found on the quarter panel here can be found on other dormant beasts scattered around this same section of highway leading me to believe this is a holding pattern for someone with a body shop. That small window got smashed at some point so somebody could root around for the treasures that probably weren't inside.

Of course you are little Buick. You can be anything you dream of! Drive for the stars!

Against all odds I have the feeling that this thing is drivable. The tires all had air in them and the amount of filth on the car can accumulate in a setting such as this in a couple of weeks.
I'm an unlikely fan of this plastic front grill & headlight housing that was only around for a couple years. It was a quick way to give an old design (introduced in '73) a new look for much less cost than a total retooling. The years after this one look much smaller and even more angular, so this is truly the last gasp of huge Detroit metal.

From this head on angle the car has hopes of returning to glory. No matter what abysmal V6 was originally under the hood this is obviously a large car, so you could fit just about any motor you want into it. Leave it a soft blue color and keep those V6 emblems on the side and you'll have yourself the sleeper of the decade! Good luck ol' Blue.