The First Sign of British Colonialism

THE FIRST SIGN OF BRITISH COLONIALISM
Watch out everybody - this is how it starts! First a Land Rover appears under a leafy tree, innocent enough. Soon they'll be running the Union Jack up the pole and making us pay alms to The Queen! If there was ever a vehicle better suited to worldwide colonization it was probably the elephant. Regardless - behold!

This is a 1989 Land Rover 90 Pickup in some aftermarket blue color (there were colors named Alaskan, Shire, and Ice Blue available but all were more subtle that this rich hue). This was a year before the Defender name was added and the 90 refers to the short wheelbase (the other model was the 4 door 110).

This cool little beach cruiser is one of the most capable off road vehicles in the world. First introduced in 1983, the 90 was the direct descendant of the Rover R01 from 1948. Those Series I, II, and III models of yore were actually the ones that explored the furthest reaches of the British Empire. This ride could follow in its predecessors footsteps, but with radio and air conditioning.

From here you can see the basic Jeep-like simplicity of this truck. The doors easily come off, and the windshield folds forward, making the height of this vehicle the tops of the seats. These white steel wheels are an aftermarket add-on. There were factory steelies available but there were less vent holes cut into them.

I absolutely love this thing!
The above image shows the metal divider between the front and rear halves, which identifies this as the Pickup. When the hardtop is installed the back corners are curved, with small wraparound windows.

With plain plywood lining the rear, a spare tire, and a propane tank this thing looks like it's ready for trails. The gravel guards over the lights are factory. Unlike the leather clad luxury Land Rovers of today these were ready to drive directly from the factory to the heart of a jungle.

Somehow this most rugged of off roaders always looks right at home in even the nicest neighborhoods. The biggest star in Hollywood could roll up to their premier in this ride and people would be vastly more impressed than if they stepped out of the newest Mercedes.

Those little pins on the hood are to mount the spare tire (which would preclude the windshield being able to fold down). In keeping with its bare bones origins origins there are flip out vents under the windshield that are just as basic as they look.

This ride is parked in Brooklyn at the site of the famous Battle of Gowanus from the Revolutionary War. The heroic Maryland 400* regiment suffered devastating losses while staying put to hold off the British troops so Washington could retreat to fight another day. If not for that battle and the bravery of the 400 the outcome of the war might have been different. Beware this first indicator of Colonialism when it reaches your streets! Brexit has the Brits licking their chops looking for fresh land, and the Land Rover is their foot in the door. Beware! Get Maryland on the horn stat!

*Legend has it that the fallen soldiers of the Maryland 400 were unceremoniously buried in a mass grave somewhere in the heart of Gowanus. There is a plaque commemorating one of the possible locations at the corner of 9th Street and 3rd Avenue, next to the American Legion. Unfortunately the area was historically marshland and swamp so pinpointing it has been impossible so far. Combine that with the real estate values and it's doubtful that there will ever be a definitive conclusion as to the location of the final resting place of the 400.

Florida? Kanye? Who knows but look at this big Jag!

NATTY BRIT

'Neen from the Empire region was at it again, snapping these pics on her postal route. If you love cars and have friends/family who are letter carriers you're in luck. Behold!

This is a 1966-1968 Jaguar 420 in Laguna Beige. Below the inner right headlight is a faux horn grill added to break up the expanse of painted metal. Every 420 I've seen has one on each side so this is either an anomaly or one was missing and they elected to fill in the mounting holes when repainting the car at some point.

The proud, leaping Jaguar hood ornament mimics the overall shape of this ride nicely. Daimler made an identical car to this one and besides the hood ornament the only way to tell them apart is that the Daimler has a scalloped top of the grill.

Every inch of this car is rounded in stark contrast to the angular American cars of this era. I love the mirrors all the way up on the fenders.

In the sales literature they still bragged about the 420 being "assembled by craftsmen", and indeed they probably were. Total production over its 3 year run was a mere 10,236. To put that in perspective there were more than a million Chevy Impalas sold in 1965 alone!

Look at this big rounded baby. This ride is almost identical to the 420G, but the G has a full length chrome spear running down the side. Under that long hood resides the 4.2 liter inline 6 cylinder XK engine. It was plenty to move this large saloon around in traffic.

This looks to have the optional automatic transmission installed. Manual trans 4 doors were getting pretty scarce in the States so many imports were outfitted with an auto.

That diminutive chrome line running between the door handles finishes in one tiny pointed piece beyond the rear door. This makes me so happy because it is the first thing a company putting cost above style will cut. I'm also a big fan of the subtle indentation between the door handles and the window glass as it wraps around the corner.

Even the rear window shape is rounded and irregular. Looks like there was a parking knock to the right side bumper guard. That's what it's there for!

They're easy to miss but the reverse lights are incorporated into the trunk lock/license plate light assembly. Check out how awesome the font is in the word JAGUAR between the reverse lights.

The rear of this ride is identical to the earlier Jaguar S-Type which was sold from 1963 through 1968. The major difference is that the S-Type had a nose as rounded as the rear where the 420 has that pronounced, forward leaning face.

We've got a house for sale with a big classic car resting on half-inflated tires (pardon me, tyres). Not to read into it too much but this is the time to strike if you've always wanted one! Often a well-timed knock on the right door will free up a car for much less than if they take the trouble to list it. Take it from someone who bought a near-perfect '74 Cadillac for $285.

Ever heard of Knock-Off Wheels? Well these are they, named as such because you take a mallet and literally knock that center spinner to unscrew it. Real-deal spinners are quintessentially British like everything on this fine ride.

The rear quarter windows pop out for ventilation. Look how lovely the mechanical opener and hinge are!

That is real-deal soft leather, probably so comfortable that it would be dangerous to drive at night. British cars of this era had the finest hides hand stitched and they age beautifully.
By the way that is real walnut along the window. The same wood is used on the dashboard and will polish up nicely.

Well there we have it; a nicely presented natty Brit ready to burn up some petrol on the motorway. In the grand scheme of things these rides are undervalued, especially in the States. They aren't complicated mechanically (though you'll have to keep the dual carbs in tune) and offer a very comfortable drive. As with other British cars of yore the electrical system is the weak spot, to the point where I highly recommend keeping a fire extinguisher on hand when driving one. Still you've be hard pressed to find a classier ride for the money. Ebay currently has 3 listed; one for a grand, one for just over 10, and a flashy yellow one looking brand new for just under 20. Considering that VW buses are trading in the 6 figures these days with no heat or comfort this would be a cool ride.

Every Silver Cloud has a custom lining

EVERY SILVER CLOUD HAS A CUSTOM LINING

It's wedding and graduation season and so I'm featuring two classy visions that happened to cross my path. I can't vouch for the originality of either of these rides but they fit the bill for your prom:

Alright this one is the more interesting of the pair for me! This seems to be a 1959-1962 Bentley S2 4 door saloon that has been converted to a convertible. I'm inclined to think that this car started out as a true Bentley S2 for a couple of reasons. Firstly the driver is on the UK-appropriate right side.

The second reason I'm thinking this is a legit Bentley is that it is a Bentley as opposed to a Rolls Royce. When the S2 was built it was 95% identical to the RR Silver Cloud II. While production numbers were within 100 or so of each other the Rolls Royce name and trademark grill are more famous to the general public than Bentley. It is also Black when most are pearly White.

Both marques sold incomplete cars to independent coach builders for completion so there are several unique and one-off examples out there (one famous example is the 1963 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud III drophead coupe with coachwork by Mulliner Park Ward driven by Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack). Chances are better that a 4 door Bentley was professionally chopped into a convertible.
On to a creamier block of cheese:

Alright now we're getting into suspicious territory (although my footnote about coach builders still applies). At first glance this seems to be a 1959-'62 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud II Long Wheelbase. I ain't buyin' it for a second!

There are a few clues that make me think this is a "tribute" Rolls specifically built for prom & wedding use. The big one is the lack of subtlety on that body side swooping line coming off the front fender. It is close to the original but a bit heavy handed. The rear door ought to cut further into that flank of the rear fender. Glaringly this is ride has suicide doors which the original would not have had. The rear roof is too tall to be legit in my opinion as well, and it has a sunroof!  

Don't get me wrong this car would make a man feel like a king and a lady feel like a princess, especially from 30 feet with a phone camera like this woeful shot, but it just isn't the real thing (I think). My thought is that this was probably produced by a company such as this one. *Scrolling through the options on the link above is interesting. I recommend the Armored Vehicle section.
Well that's that for this post. If you're like me and you scroll through Craigslist classic car ads for fun (this is sadly true btw) you might notice that old limos litter the landscape with few takers. The ultra classic lines of Rolls Royce & Bentley will always find a home, but what about the K-Car limo of the '80s? Or any number of square Caddilacs from the same decade? For a glimpse into truly useless vehicles search for "airport limo"; no orphan has fewer adoption prospects than a Cadillac with 6 doors and 3 bench seats.
I'll close this out with my favorite of that weird category; the 8 door Checker Aerobus!

The perfect device for colonial imperialism

THE PERFECT DEVICE FOR COLONIAL IMPERIALISM

I was walking through Windsor Terrace recently when something appeared that seemed as foreign and out of place as the Coke bottle in The Gods Must be Crazy. Behold!

This is a 1978 Land Rover Defender 109 in what I believe is Spring Green (I think British Racing Green is a little deeper in an evergreen sense as opposed to this hue).

 Make no mistake - even though this is parked in a lovely neighborhood this beast is safari-ready. It is positively dripping with aftermarket heavy duty upgrades.

This is the long wheelbase station wagon that is really just a few steps away from its prehistoric ancestors. The Defender was originally launched in 1948 and ran all the way through the 2015 model year. While there were plenty of changes and series over the decades it remained remarkably true to its initial design over those 67 years.

You've got to give it up for the full external roll cage on this thing! In addition it has a roof-height snorkel for the engine. Everything about the presentation says it's ready and capable for serious off road adventures. How it got to Brooklyn is a mystery to me. Maybe it drove along the bottom of the ocean?

I have a close friend who drives a newer Discovery with these same wheels. He calls them the "U.N. wheels" because Land Rovers stationed around the world tend to sport these no nonsense white steelies.

I can't think of a single custom touch that this isn't already outfitted with. That spotlight on the roof even has a protective metal screen over it as if this were exploring a rugged continent. 

 From this angle it's plain to see how utilitarian these older Defenders are. Exposed hinges, simple metal body panels, big expanses of flat glass, etc. While this company went on to produce luxury SUVs and crossovers this vehicle harkens back to the need to traverse faraway lands with no paved roads. I'm sure this is cold in winter, hot in summer, and pretty loud and rattly on bumpy ground. It is 100% honest is what I'm trying to say.

Well that's where I'll leave this conquerer to enjoy semi-retirement. The fact that the license plate is mashed up under the bumper alludes to possible adventure so hopefully it's not retired at all. Either way I'm impressed and somewhat in awe of this hardy British beast.

The automotive equivalent of Grey Gardens

THE AUTOMOTIVE EQUIVALENT OF GREY GARDENS

I was walking along the border of Greenwood Cemetery where flocks of wild parakeets chatter overhead when something about an otherwise forgettable vehicle caught my eye. It seemed a little too rounded around the edges . . .

What we have here is a 1999-2002 Land Rover Discovery II in Chawton White. The bumper looks a little soft around the corners. Could it be my old nemesis? It is!

Ladies and gentlemen there comes a time in the life of some vehicle owners when, despite the advice of their best friends, they turn to tape. It's been a while since I featured a good tape repair and believe me this has plenty! Notice the care and thought that went into this corner: black tape for the black parts but they've left the grill openings and logo clear. Yellowish tape over the turn signals and clear tape to hold it all together. Who needs a Pick-n-Pull when True Value is just down the street?

Once it starts it's like mold spreading over the entire area. If anyone reading this has some white tape please send it to me and I will leave it on the windshield of this Brit.

Tape addiction is usually a sign of other personality traits not all of which I feel proud to point out. 

From this angle you can still see the breeding of this tony ride. When new this truck cost around $35,000 (which has the buying power of $50,000 today). This was not a cheap car! Stalwart and proud was the Land Rover when new.

Uh oh. Looks a little lived in from here. The old Coca-Cola/coffee/pineapple juice and sandwich combo. Super British.

Unfortunately this is a case of Hoarders: Automotive Edition. I do feel a little shameful writing these posts because there's always going to be somebody pointing out (rightfully so) that I'm mocking either mental illness or somebody's lowest point. You know what though? It's parked on the street so I'm gonna let 'em have it. See you in Hell everybody!
*Shout out to the blue tape that just wanted to join the party.

This person must drive by touch because every bit is currently held on with tape. There's no adjusting that mirror from here on out. I wonder if the window can even go down? It seems to be taped in place.

Alright this thing is messed up. It looks a little like the aftermath of Woodstock. 

The skylights on the rear of the roof always looks pretty cool to me on these rides. Blue tape on the roof, black tape on the taillight, Encyclopedia Britannica in the back.

We've got more turn signal tape restoration happening here. It seems the plate was even taped on at some point. Single out of state plate to keep it ticket proof.

This side lower light is brutal. Overall this truck isn't in bad shape really; few scuffs and no rust to speak of. It could probably be put right without too much trouble.

OH YEAH the grandaddy of all tape repairs; FULL WINDOW RE-CREATION!

From this angle I see that the rear door vent window has been replaced with black tape too.
These trucks are tough and capable, if somewhat pricey to maintain. There's definitely a story behind this vehicle because it's like seeing a former member of high society begging for change. If you haven't seen the original Grey Gardens I highly recommend it!
In fact
here's the whole movie just sitting on Youtube. Have at it!