Ford Mustang BLECH edition

SLIPPERY, BEAT DOWN FOX IN PONY CLOTHING

I was a few blocks up from my apartment recently when a nauseous feeling came over me in waves. Reeling a bit and clutching my gut I knew what it was: a 4th gen Mustang!

This is a 1994-1998 Ford Mustang convertible in Medium Seafoam Poly. It has achieved full Hooptie status with an array of beater calling cards. 

This thing looks like an old prizefighter trying to smile through the pain.
The Fox body Mustang that preceded this era had a monumentally successful run of 15 years so a revamp was way overdue. Ford supposedly spent a cool $700,000,000 on updating every aspect of the car. Reigning in noise and vibration were top concerns but really the update was comprehensive.

Oh yeah this is where we get into the serious NYC action! In one glimpse we have the following: scrapes, dents, a Bond repair, a missing light (with another held in place with tape), different color fender, and front wheels so riddled with brake dust that they may as well have been steeping in a bucket of tea.

You know what though? The top goes down when the weather is nice so all is forgiven. I've purchased and flaunted some truly forlorn buckets simply because they were convertibles.

Believe it or not this is actually an updated version of the Fox body and is listed as FOX-4 in Ford company literature. As a vehicle platform the Fox body was one of the most successful in modern history with 26 total years of use (if you allow for adjustments over the years).
I recently rewatched E.T. for the first time since seeing it new in the theaters. Imagine my surprise when every government agent in the movie is driving a Ford Fairmont! Original Fox Body action!

Looks like this ride lost its trunk lid mounted wing at some point. Offering zero in performance the wing was cartoonishly curvy and plump. 

From this angle it looks like any rounded '90s car. The Chrysler Sebring wasn't much different. The rounded body reduced drag in a big way when compared to previous models.

Well that's where I'll leave my least favorite Mustang of all time. As I said before I will forgive just about any convertible on its top down merits so this will be filed under acceptable transportation. However a hardtop V6 version of this would interest me about as much as a Taurus. Still, I'm duty bound to give it up for anyone repairing their car with tape. Hat's off FOX-4!

Lipstick on a Pig, or one of the hardest naturally occurring minerals

LIPSTICK ON A PIG

The more common the car the easier it is for it to go extinct before anybody notices. Think of the Passenger Pigeon being hunted to oblivion without any public outrage. Here's the final pigeon:

This is a 1992 Mercury Topaz in Cayman Blue Poly. I took these pictures because I was surprised to see one at all in 2017.

The Topaz is the twin sibling to the Ford Tempo. Both were built from 1984-1994 and picked up where the Fairmont and Zephyr left off. This is one baby step above the basic transportation of the Escort/Lynx. The full width front light bar is much like that of the larger Sable so you have to give it up for design continuity across different models.

YAWN.

This is a GS; the commonest Topaz. It is the mid-tier trim level with nothing remarkable about it. There were a few interesting variations including the GL-AWD which was all wheel drive, and the XR5 and LTS; both high performance versions with the former being a coupe and the latter a sedan.

If you have trouble sleeping here's a dealer training video of the 1990 Tempo.

This ride is similar to several smaller cars built around the same time that weren't quite as popular. The Dodge Shadow and Plymouth Sundance look very much like the Topaz even though they come from a competing company.

The Ford Taurus is widely regarded as being a watershed, game changing design. It heralded the arrival of a bulbous, rounded shape in which the windows and doors were integrated seamlessly for a slippery drag coefficient. The Tempo/Topaz line shares many of those traits and is a transitional shape from the boxes of the '80s to the bubbles of the '90s.

I was feeling a bit too exposed to really press up against the glass but suffice it to say you're not missing much. 2 things are on display in this pic that are very much of the era; stereo and cruise control buttons being located on the steering wheel, and that automatic track-mounted shoulder belt. Anyone who's experienced the shoulder belt automatically trundling back until it pinches your neck hates it. Thankfully they disappeared when airbags were deemed standard equipment, but they reigned in some regard from 1975-1987, and on all new cars from 1990-1995.

Topaz the gemstone is one of the hardest naturally occurring minerals. The Topaz has a MOHS hardness of 8!

Oh yeah this little punk has been around. I was happy to see at least a little tape repair to liven things up. Being on the passengers front corner I'm gonna go ahead and blame the driver 100% for this one. Taking a corner a bit wide or not quite noticing how close the parked cars are can do this easily.

Well there you have it; an utterly forgotten luxury version of a car that might as well be called BASIC TRANSPORTATION.
Mercury as a brand is no longer with us in 2017, which is kind of a shame. From its beginnings before WWII through the 1970s Mercury built so many amazing cars. They were always a luxury offshoot of Ford but they even managed some unique and awesome muscle cars with the Cougar and Cyclone. By the time this little Topaz was sold new Mercury was relegated to only producing cars identical to Ford but with slightly better trim. Their last big hit was the Grand Marquis but the demographic buying them grew older and died off (if that sounds harsh I assure you that their own internal research found that this is how it went down!). In the very end a gussied-up Ford Explorer called the Mountaineer was the first called to the chopping block. Within a year all other Mercury products followed suit, bringing the 72 year old nameplate to a finish in 2011.

The automotive equivalent of Grey Gardens

THE AUTOMOTIVE EQUIVALENT OF GREY GARDENS

I was walking along the border of Greenwood Cemetery where flocks of wild parakeets chatter overhead when something about an otherwise forgettable vehicle caught my eye. It seemed a little too rounded around the edges . . .

What we have here is a 1999-2002 Land Rover Discovery II in Chawton White. The bumper looks a little soft around the corners. Could it be my old nemesis? It is!

Ladies and gentlemen there comes a time in the life of some vehicle owners when, despite the advice of their best friends, they turn to tape. It's been a while since I featured a good tape repair and believe me this has plenty! Notice the care and thought that went into this corner: black tape for the black parts but they've left the grill openings and logo clear. Yellowish tape over the turn signals and clear tape to hold it all together. Who needs a Pick-n-Pull when True Value is just down the street?

Once it starts it's like mold spreading over the entire area. If anyone reading this has some white tape please send it to me and I will leave it on the windshield of this Brit.

Tape addiction is usually a sign of other personality traits not all of which I feel proud to point out. 

From this angle you can still see the breeding of this tony ride. When new this truck cost around $35,000 (which has the buying power of $50,000 today). This was not a cheap car! Stalwart and proud was the Land Rover when new.

Uh oh. Looks a little lived in from here. The old Coca-Cola/coffee/pineapple juice and sandwich combo. Super British.

Unfortunately this is a case of Hoarders: Automotive Edition. I do feel a little shameful writing these posts because there's always going to be somebody pointing out (rightfully so) that I'm mocking either mental illness or somebody's lowest point. You know what though? It's parked on the street so I'm gonna let 'em have it. See you in Hell everybody!
*Shout out to the blue tape that just wanted to join the party.

This person must drive by touch because every bit is currently held on with tape. There's no adjusting that mirror from here on out. I wonder if the window can even go down? It seems to be taped in place.

Alright this thing is messed up. It looks a little like the aftermath of Woodstock. 

The skylights on the rear of the roof always looks pretty cool to me on these rides. Blue tape on the roof, black tape on the taillight, Encyclopedia Britannica in the back.

We've got more turn signal tape restoration happening here. It seems the plate was even taped on at some point. Single out of state plate to keep it ticket proof.

This side lower light is brutal. Overall this truck isn't in bad shape really; few scuffs and no rust to speak of. It could probably be put right without too much trouble.

OH YEAH the grandaddy of all tape repairs; FULL WINDOW RE-CREATION!

From this angle I see that the rear door vent window has been replaced with black tape too.
These trucks are tough and capable, if somewhat pricey to maintain. There's definitely a story behind this vehicle because it's like seeing a former member of high society begging for change. If you haven't seen the original Grey Gardens I highly recommend it!
In fact
here's the whole movie just sitting on Youtube. Have at it!

London Tony offers up a beat-down merde gris croûté from across the pond!

SHITROËN PART DEUX

My own brother lives in a lovely little storybook village in London. It's the sort of place where A-list celebrities can stroll to a cafe without being bothered, where rose gardens abound in the front yards of bucolic little homes, and where gas-lit streets can suddenly turn into brick paths with views of the city below. However London is huge, and somewhere along the way he stumbled upon this fallen child star: 

 

Oof. My best guess is that this is a 1988-ish Citroën CX in Gris. Actually we know this is a CX 25 DTR Turbo 2 from the cartoonishly long nameplate on the back. The brochure for this ride back in 1988 stated THE CITROËN CX. ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT CARS. Lofty salesmanship to be sure but it was indeed something else when new. For now just dig how long this thing is!

 

The first thing I said when this brick weighed down my inbox was "how did this thing get an MOT?" The MOT stands for Ministry of Transport and it is the equivalent of an automobile safety and emissions inspection in the States. The test is pretty difficult when compared to most countries in that the condition of the body, including spoilers, wings, and any additional doo-dads all needs to be in good shape. The final pass or fail grade is up to the tester and the test is not cheap.
Look at this funky facade; the grill is creased in a way to have a trapezoidal front. The headlight on the right is nicotine stained and generally unhealthy looking. the last time this crumpled body was washed by anything but rainfall was probably the day before it was bought new. 

 

This rather frumpy shooting break (the British term for a station wagon though in its French homeland this would be known as a break-de-chasse, or hunting-break) was the height of technology when it was first introduced in 1974. It was the modern replacement for the iconic DS from the '50s. The most incredible aspect of this design is the Hydro-Pneumatic suspension that was self-leveling. Supposedly the suspension was so effective that bumps and potholes could be seen but not really felt. Rolls-Royce even licensed the suspension design for their Silver Shadow!

The letters CX refer to aerodynamic design (CX is the French equivalent of Cd for drag coefficient according to my friend Wikipedia). One misconception is that the name CX was chosen because it was originally designed to be powered by a rotary engine. However like almost every company that isn't Mazda they couldn't get it right in time and on budget so a traditional inline 4 cylinder was installed under the hood.

I love how they manage to add cool style cues in the era of sharp angles. That crease below the side view mirror fades towards the rear while another emerges above it for a little origami.

 

A hooptie is a hooptie the world over so here's some tape used as a repair. This is particularly troubling because it looks like it was holding the skirt onto the vehicle but the tape is now mostly missing.

One wiper in the front and one in the back. That 4 slot vent on the rear pillar is probably functional as a part of the ventilation system for the passenger compartment. The turbocharger breathes through some small openings on a slight bulge on the hood.

 

The interior is gnarly! We've got paper jammed everywhere, a spoon at the ready, rags tossed about, and a grody blue pillow for the drivers bum. It is a stick shift which means this would've been fun to cruise in when new. These days who knows how much action you'll find if you mash the pedal to the floor.
This is the sort of car you almost never see in the States. Citroëns are always rare on this side of the pond but when you do encounter one is tends to be a tiny 2CV or the classic DS. There was even a Citroën SM from the early '70s powered by a Maserati engine that seems more common than the CX. Regardless the MOT gave this one a stay of execution so if you happen to be walking around London keep your eyes peeled!   

What's round on the ends and hi in the middle?

OHIO!

Just a quick post today on one of the greatest quick-fix repairs I've ever run across.

I was riding my bike down Kent Ave near the Brooklyn Navy Yards when my eye caught this little punk:

Dude really. Aftermarket wheels? Check. Nascar commemorative license plate? Check. Focusing the worlds attention to the worst part of your ride? CHECK CHECK CHECK!

Everybody gets in fender benders and not everybody has the funds to do a proper repair, but using the triple threat combination of black & white cheetah print party tape, black electrical tape, and pixelated camouflage tape to cover it all up? IT'S NOT WORKING!

Also, I can only imagine that the owner of this ride either owns another hardware store or was fired by Ace to give the company this kind of billing.

I really didn't know this kind of tape existed. Is it for those times when you need to repair your camouflaged vehicles in Atari 2600 Combat? Only in a gray scale world of super low resolution would this obscure anything. And is that green camo tape beneath? Does this vehicle get prepped for the appropriate season?

In case you were wondering this is a 2002-2004 Oldsmobile Bravada; easily the best argument for making what was Americas oldest automotive brand extinct. However this one has transcended the medium to become something else. Whoever owns it is obviously a maniac, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. I almost wanted to take myself to the nearest Ace hardware store and buy a rol of white tape to help this car out!

And there's your case of the Mondays people.

The Very Definition of a Hooptie!

CHOCOLATE CITY
Just a block from my shop here in Gowanus Brooklyn I encountered this veteran of the city streets:

Oof. This big brown slab is a 1979 Buick Electra 225 Landau Coupe in the wordy but descriptive color Very Dark Camel Tan. To me this looks like a car that someone has owned in the city since new. It's been relatively well taken care of (not much rust-through to be found on the body) but it's sprinkled with knocks, scrapes, and other damage. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a true Hooptie. Of course the hood ornament is long gone!

I almost walked right by this car but the sheer brownness of it made me take another look. Then the myriad details started jumping out at me; tape holding the bumper trim on, a classic alarm system as evidenced by the keyhole on the front fender, rusty bumpers but rust free body, and original hubcaps. I bet this beast has been garaged locally since new.

More tape and a broken porthole trim piece are making the case for this being a lifelong city ride. Behind these portholes lives either a very low horsepower Buick 350 V8 or the rare and bizarre Oldsmobile 403 Diesel. The diesel engine was only optional for '78 and '79 and nobody except people who sold diesel fuel had anything good to say about it.

Things get a little rough in the back. The rear bumper has obviously helped out with plenty of parallel parking. However the saddest detail on this entire car is that missing rear quarter panel extension.

I was going to write about how impossible it would be to track this part down but decided to google it first. Much to my surprise you can order one for $50 in perfect condition! That's a lot more than black tape costs though so never mind.

Here's another one of those traits all old city cars seem to share; the reinforced trunk lock repair. Anything that was parked on the streets during the dark days of the crack epidemic has been tampered with at some point. 

Those extra wide taillights with the tiny Buick crest in the middle were new for '79.

This is where the truth about vinyl tops emerges; It is almost impossible to keep a car from rusting underneath them. All water needs is the smallest of openings to seep underneath to quietly wreak havoc out of sight. Usually there will be bubbling under the top, but with these late '70s padded versions you might not know until the damage is this bad. If you removed this top now the windows would probably fall out. I love the original Landau glass script though!

This thing looks fully loaded with its 8-track stereo, air conditioning vents, and large dashboard clock, but it's actually the lowest trim level for Electra. The top of the heap was the Park Avenue, followed by the Limited, and finally this, the 225, at the bottom. It's almost impossible to tell the difference from the outside but this vinyl bench seat was only installed in the 225.

Up front this thing still means business even if it does seem a little world-weary with its smoky eyes and drab chrome. The 1979 Buick was a one-year-only car most easily identified by this somewhat flat front end. Both the year before and the year after had angled front ends and taller grills featuring prominent vertical slats. It's rare for a company to change a design and immediately retreat to its former incarnation like this. The only other instance I can think of is the Chevy Impala which always had 6 total taillights with the exception of '66 and '67 when they were single rectangular pods. Regardless, here's to hoping this brown beast gets another 35 years under its belt before calling it quits.