Wednesday, June 25, 2014

loose CANNON vs Bane!

Who cares what kind of van this is? It started out as a Ford Econoline of some late 90s vintage but it has evolved into loosE CANNON!
 Having had several cars in my youth that were haphazardly spray painted into oblivion I fully support decisions like this. This beast is a collection of amazing statements and declarations; GET FUN, and STOP LOVE START WAR are featured right on the front. Look at that milky turn signal lens that looks like it was repaired with tracing paper. This thing has been around and probably smells like CBGBs inside.
That red stripe in the top rear corner looks like there was a clear vision at one point before mayhem took over.
More knowledge adorns the back in the form of RAT SEX and HERMITS GO HOME.
A small round window is the official seal of the party van. It crosses boundaries, alighting upon the vans of '70s shag carpet Coors swillin' free-lovers and gutter punks alike. I don't know what KTT eU was thinking tagging this circle of unity! Some punks have no respect.
 What officer could place a parking ticket on Dog Veal? The tires have air in them and the license plates match so maybe this thing will be visiting a city near you.
Next up we have a very sinister and bold van, full of confidence after having almost vanquished Batman in the latest Nolan chapter:
Yes! How post-apocalyptic can you make a Chevy van from 1990 look? Here's your answer! Why not add hundreds of pounds of useless metal to an already heavy gas guzzling brick? After all, this example features BOW TIE PERFORMANCE and CHEVROLET Racing credentials.
This is definitely somebodys baby. However, could there be a less appropriate parking space for a tinted van than in front of the Early Childhood Learning Center?
Yeah Bro! The Calvin & Hobbes dirty decal is the tribal tattoo of tough-guy vehicles. It lets the ladies know there's a potential mate nearby. If that wasn't enough, the picture attached to the ladder says The Happy Fisherman on it and the image is one of the fisherman in unorthodox communion with a fish. I just take these pictures people!
A wing on the roof, louvers over the rear windows, the ladder, homemade bumpers, and decals everywhere tell us this is an owner who can't resist amassing flashy trinkets for their ride. You just know this thing has those super loud air horns installed under the hood. If I read it correctly the decals on the lower quarter say Melan Pa Pi Outrageous. I couldn't agree more.
 I love vans and have had a few myself. However, any statement you make with one is somehow amplified by their sheer size. Few vehicles can cut as intense a first impression as a customized van. When you pull up in either one of these beasts people have already decided whether or not you could be friends, whether to hide their children, or whether to write you a ticket. There is some genius in cutting through social filters like that, but be forewarned; a van purchase should not be taken lightly!

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